The Zombie Contingency Plan

The last couple of Wednesdays have been filled with heavier topics so I thought a change of pace might be in order, don’t you?

Since zombies are a perennial favourite with both myself and apparently you, the reader, and since the zombie apocalypse seems inevitable I think it’s high time we all created a zombie contingency plan.

Play to Your Strengths

I can’t drive. But for a year of my life (during which I cycled everywhere) I have always lived in a Metropolitan area (by Finnish standards) with fabulous and affordable public transportation and when I’ve needed to go somewhere that had bad public transportation it has always been only incidental and not worth the hassle and cost of getting a driver’s license and a car. Considering that learning to drive in a situation where stalling your engine means getting mobbed to death by the undead, my contingency plan should under no circumstances include me driving anywhere. I do know how to work with animals and powertools and I have a belligerent streak toward violence if my safety is on the line. There must be a plan in there somewhere.

The point being that you want to know what you’re doing before your life relies upon it. Good at knots? Congratulations, you have now become a master trapper. Know carpentry or building of any sort? You are now a barrier expert.

Neither Too Few Nor Too Many

Humans are social animals, there’s no two ways about it. Yes, there are some hermits to confirm the rule but most humans will be ready to eat a shotgun before two months are over. That’s why isolation is such an effective torture technique. Keeping busy will give you extra time but sooner or later you’ll start wondering “What’s the point?”. So you need other people around you. Space missions have also shown us that only two or three people in isolation start quarreling with each other pretty soon so it might be a good idea to find more than a handful of the uninfected.

Therein lies the problem. Humans are stupid and selfish. Nobody respects quarantine procedures and since even a staff meeting induces people to risk infecting others you can imagine how badly the threat of being thrown to the mercy of the undead horde will affect them. So plan on relying on people but don’t gather a lot of them in your immediate vicinity.

Add failsafes

The one thing we can be sure of when the zombpocalypse arrives is that shit’s gonna go wrong. Anytime your contingency plan has a step that just can’t go wrong the only thing you can be sure of is that it can and will go wrong at the first moment of contact with the enemy. So plan for everything to go wrong. What happens if you or some essential personnel twists an ankle? What happens in case of a fire?

The plan is nothing. The act of planning itself is everything.

Essential reading

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