The secret life of secretaries

(Full disclosure; this piece was inspired by a skit in a Finnish comedy show called Ketonen & Myllyrinne. This one, in fact. Unfortunately it’s only available in Finnish.)

“I call this meeting to order.” A tall, matronly woman shouted above the din of a couple dozen women and a handful of men chatting animatedly. “We have several issues to discuss here today so if you would kindly take your seats.”

After all present had sat down around the huge conference table, the woman continued. “First order of business, Kirsten has a report on the latest developments with our CEO. The chair recognizes Kirsten.” The woman at the end of the table sat down just as a petite, pretty young woman stood up.

Kirsten cleared her throat “Yes, well. As you all probably know by now, our CEO’s constant philandering – much of it arranged by this council – has now lead to him getting a divorce. What many of you might not yet know, it’s starting to affect his work. At first the problems in his marriage were a veritable boon to the company, as he buried himself in his work. Now however it’s becoming a liability. I think he’s still in love with his wife and he’s becoming more and more distant. It’s almost like he doesn’t care anymore.”

“What’s the risk if he gets back together with his wife?” one of the men asked.

“A second honeymoon at the very least. That’s what Anderson did.” Another woman replied.

The matronly woman spoke up “Let’s not forget the Lee fiasco. They too took a second honeymoon, and rediscovered each other and moved to Hawaii or something like that. I think he’s a scuba instructor nowadays.” She finished with a sneer. There was weak mumbling at this from around the room.

The still standing Kirsten piped up. “Something needs to be done in any case. We’ve got another bid coming in and maybe an attempt at a hostile takeover, from what the intelligence has been able to glean. We need him in top gear. Maybe another affair?”

“A secretary?” someone asked.

“No, I rather think an outsider. We can’t have all our secretaries be cast-offs of the CEO. It lowers their desirability to the other men executives.” The matronly woman said thoughtfully. “What about a woman who reminds him of his wife?”

“I’m pretty sure that would drive him back to her. No, I’d say a young woman. Someone in her twenties. He needs a dose of adulation.”

“It’s decided then. You’ll take care of it Kirsten?” The matronly woman stood up while Kirsten, nodding sat down. “Next order of business, we have Michael. It has come to my attention that you let slip the nature and existence of this council.” She peered sternly over her glasses at a young man sitting roughly halfway down the conference table.

“Do I get to defend myself.” He replied.

“Not in the slightest. You gave an oath when you joined this council and you should know better than anyone what that means. If you wish to continue to be employed by this council you will keep your machismo in check, is that clear?” Michael answered with a sarcastic little salute toward the head of the table.

“Last we have Trina. The chair recognizes her.”

“As you all know, the CTO has a son who’s getting to the age where he’s interesting to our CTO. This is causing him to neglect his duties. He’s been leaving the office early and working from home quite a lot lately. At the last meeting it fell to me to seduce him into having an affair to make him work longer hours. The problem is, it’s not working.”

“Is there a chance he might be gay? Should Eric give it a try?”

“I’m pretty sure he’s not gay. I caught him checking out my cleavage the other day. He’s just not responding to me.”

“Did you try admiration?” A red-headed woman from the far end of the table asked.

“Honey, please, this is not my first run at the rodeo. I’ve tried pretty much everything I can on my own. I think he may be getting suspicious at the sudden interest. Today he scheduled his own lunch.” Trina said to gasps of horror.

After a moment of stupefied silence the chairwoman said “Fine, then obviously you need to quit your campaign. Michael, you’re to become Trina’s boyfriend for a while. Pick her up for lunch and hang out at her desk flirting with her and other such nonsense. We need to get the CTO to trust Trina again. Eleanor, you want to give it a go? His wife’s a red-head, he might be more amenable to you.” The red-headed woman at the other end of the table nodded resolutely and the chairwoman smiled at her over her spectacles.

“Unless there are no more issues anyone would like to bring to the attention of this council, I call this council meeting closed, thank you ladies and gentlemen. I’ll see you in two weeks. Don’t forget to sign up for the bowling match against Nike.”

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